I am not sure if I have been feeling this way since Covid
hit or it started after I had the twins. Is anyone else feeling like a complete
failure these days and a little lost. I feel like my entire world has been
flipped upside down. Maybe that is just motherhood in general but I am stressed
and I mean way more than normal. I just need to get out a few things I have
been stressed out about to work through it.
1.
At Home Schooling – don’t get me wrong. I love
my children very very much but if I never have to teach them anything school
related again I would be the happiest person in the world. Let’s just say that
taking care of twins and teaching my 3 older children school from home has been
way more than just your regular day challenge. I feel like every day I am
bartering with my kids to get their measly one hour of school work done and
they want their reward to be unlimited screen time which I am not going to lie
sometimes happens because I feel so defeated. All I can say is thank you
teachers for all you do because I couldn’t do it. I have cried, yelled, had to
reteach myself grade 2 and 4 math….. anyone else lol! Only 2 weeks and 2 days
left… Not that I am counting.
2.
Quarantine – I cheated a little bit on this one
as soon as it was announced I pretty much ran home to Magrath to my parents for
two months. It was glorious and I loved spending so much uninterrupted time
with my parents they are seriously the best. We got so much done and enjoyed
our time together. I only came home because I couldn’t handle being away from
my husband any longer. I kind of really like the guy he is my person. I really
just need him to be happy. He gets me and truly accepts me for all my
imperfections and vice versa. Anyways I could go on forever about how much I
love my husband but I am trying to stay on topic lol!! I came home and quite quickly realized how
hard my new routine was. We maybe do school every other day now but for longer
periods of time. Twins is no joke on your own and now that they are crawling
and putting everything in their mouths it has made for a very interesting
time!! The restrictions are starting to lift but I am still so skeptical of
Covid…. Who can I see?? Are parks safe?? Do kids even really know how to social
distance?? Mine don’t…..
3.
Selling the House – I have so many emotions
about selling our home. This is the house we brought all five of our kids home
too. I know we have outgrown it and have seriously run out of space but I am
sad about it. I am scared it won’t sell or we won’t get what we want and a lot
of tears, hard work and sweat have gone into this home. I am so stressed we won’t
find the right house and have been praying for months on where we should move
too… Honestly radio silence which makes me doubt every decision I am making
right now…… pray for me everyone because if my stess level gets any higher I
may start losing my hair or have no nails left…. I have always dreamed of
living on a small acreage but everything in close proximity to the city limits
will cost me a small fortune which I don’t have or comes up and sells so
quickly you don’t even have time to make an offer…. Trying to not be bitter and
let go of that situation but it may take me a little more time lol!! Everything
will work out right??? We will find the right home and I will be able to take
care of my very active children. Did I mention there are five of them??? Five
bedroom homes mean lots of money or a fixer upper?? Do I have it in me right now to fix up
another house???
4.
Money – why can’t we all have unlimited amounts
of money?? Or why can’t I invent the next big thing?? Maybe if I just bought
one lottery ticket I would win??? I am not even sure why these things run
through my brain but it does. Having 5 kids’ costs quite a bit of money. Nick
has a great job and thankfully has remained working through all the covid
craziness. I am going back to work in July and will mostly just be working
weekends as childcare would literally cost me all my paycheck. I am actually
really excited to go back to work. I am looking forward to adult interaction
but pray for Nick lol!! He will have all 5 on his own at least 2 weekends every
month. We are not poor by any means but
I feel like having children in general makes you feel poor lol!! It would just
be so nice to not have to worry about it….
5.
Parenting – I feel like I am failing in this
department. I am sure every single parent feels this way or has at some point
in their life but I feel it every single day.
My Oldest has
anger issues and struggles whenever he isn’t the best at everything right away.
The temper on that kid is unreal but we are working on it. I want him to know
that you have to work hard to be good at something and that it’s okay to not be
good at some things. If you have any
calming techniques you find work, please shoot them my way.
My second son
has ADHD and is hard to parent most days. School is a joke and he hates doing
it but when he focuses the kid is a freaking genius so that is really
frustrating. He usually takes meds to help when he is at school but at home I
like to let him take breaks from it so he can learn to cope with it on his own
and eventually not have to rely on medication but we take it day by day. He has
come so far and I do not let him blame his actions on his ADHD which he hates
but I don’t see ADHD as an excuse to act poorly. It is definitely a lot harder
for them but they are more than capable of learning coping mechanisms. One
thing about this sweet boy is how caring he is. He gives the best hugs and is
constantly complimenting me. I am so proud of him and all the progress he has
made.
My one and only
daughter is miss sassy pants. She honestly thinks she is in charge all of the
time so that is fun….. Lots of time outs
and discussions on being kind to her brothers. She still asks me for a sister
every single day and sometimes cries about it. (Sorry it isn’t going to happen…)
Maybe one day I will buy her a female dog lol!!
The twins they
are so freaking adorable and into everything but they literally soak up most of
my time. They need me more for survival than the other kids right now.
Sometimes I wish I could clone myself and give them all more individual attention
but I also know that will come as the twins get older. I wouldn’t trade being a
mom for anything but man no one tells you how incredibly hard it is.
6.
Mom Guilt – Does anyone else feel incredibly
selfish if they take time for themselves?
Before I had the twins I was in the best shape of my life. I had a
diabetes scare and things have gotten a little out of hand again so I need to
hop back on the healthy train. I LOVE to exercise but it is the food I have a
hard time with. Stress eating is such a struggle for me and let me tell you
being home alone all day with 5 kids with no breaks is very stressful. I always
have great intentions to eat good when I wake up every morning lol. I know it
is all mental so I have made a commitment to myself to get healthy again to
keep diabetes far away from me. I have
an awesome partner who supports me and will watch all the kiddos so I can get
in so I will try not to feel guilty for taking time for myself.
It feels good to write all my feelings out. Maybe I will
be able to sleep at night now…. The insomnia from stress is so real, not to
mention getting woke up multiple times by adorable babies. I know that God will
answer my prayers and I have felt his constant presence in my life even through
all of this. The waiting game is hard but I know we will end up where we need
to be and that the other things will work themselves out with hard work. Mom
Life is never dull but I will say it a million times I would not trade it for
anything!!! I am constantly reminding myself that I have a healthy and beautiful family and lots to be thankful for!!
