Go Away Stress.....

I am not sure if I have been feeling this way since Covid hit or it started after I had the twins. Is anyone else feeling like a complete failure these days and a little lost. I feel like my entire world has been flipped upside down. Maybe that is just motherhood in general but I am stressed and I mean way more than normal. I just need to get out a few things I have been stressed out about to work through it.

1.       At Home Schooling – don’t get me wrong. I love my children very very much but if I never have to teach them anything school related again I would be the happiest person in the world. Let’s just say that taking care of twins and teaching my 3 older children school from home has been way more than just your regular day challenge. I feel like every day I am bartering with my kids to get their measly one hour of school work done and they want their reward to be unlimited screen time which I am not going to lie sometimes happens because I feel so defeated. All I can say is thank you teachers for all you do because I couldn’t do it. I have cried, yelled, had to reteach myself grade 2 and 4 math….. anyone else lol! Only 2 weeks and 2 days left… Not that I am counting.

2.       Quarantine – I cheated a little bit on this one as soon as it was announced I pretty much ran home to Magrath to my parents for two months. It was glorious and I loved spending so much uninterrupted time with my parents they are seriously the best. We got so much done and enjoyed our time together. I only came home because I couldn’t handle being away from my husband any longer. I kind of really like the guy he is my person. I really just need him to be happy. He gets me and truly accepts me for all my imperfections and vice versa. Anyways I could go on forever about how much I love my husband but I am trying to stay on topic lol!!  I came home and quite quickly realized how hard my new routine was. We maybe do school every other day now but for longer periods of time. Twins is no joke on your own and now that they are crawling and putting everything in their mouths it has made for a very interesting time!! The restrictions are starting to lift but I am still so skeptical of Covid…. Who can I see?? Are parks safe?? Do kids even really know how to social distance?? Mine don’t…..

3.       Selling the House – I have so many emotions about selling our home. This is the house we brought all five of our kids home too. I know we have outgrown it and have seriously run out of space but I am sad about it. I am scared it won’t sell or we won’t get what we want and a lot of tears, hard work and sweat have gone into this home. I am so stressed we won’t find the right house and have been praying for months on where we should move too… Honestly radio silence which makes me doubt every decision I am making right now…… pray for me everyone because if my stess level gets any higher I may start losing my hair or have no nails left…. I have always dreamed of living on a small acreage but everything in close proximity to the city limits will cost me a small fortune which I don’t have or comes up and sells so quickly you don’t even have time to make an offer…. Trying to not be bitter and let go of that situation but it may take me a little more time lol!! Everything will work out right??? We will find the right home and I will be able to take care of my very active children. Did I mention there are five of them??? Five bedroom homes mean lots of money or a fixer upper??  Do I have it in me right now to fix up another house???

4.       Money – why can’t we all have unlimited amounts of money?? Or why can’t I invent the next big thing?? Maybe if I just bought one lottery ticket I would win??? I am not even sure why these things run through my brain but it does. Having 5 kids’ costs quite a bit of money. Nick has a great job and thankfully has remained working through all the covid craziness. I am going back to work in July and will mostly just be working weekends as childcare would literally cost me all my paycheck. I am actually really excited to go back to work. I am looking forward to adult interaction but pray for Nick lol!! He will have all 5 on his own at least 2 weekends every month.  We are not poor by any means but I feel like having children in general makes you feel poor lol!! It would just be so nice to not have to worry about it….

5.       Parenting – I feel like I am failing in this department. I am sure every single parent feels this way or has at some point in their life but I feel it every single day.  

My Oldest has anger issues and struggles whenever he isn’t the best at everything right away. The temper on that kid is unreal but we are working on it. I want him to know that you have to work hard to be good at something and that it’s okay to not be good at some things.  If you have any calming techniques you find work, please shoot them my way.  

My second son has ADHD and is hard to parent most days. School is a joke and he hates doing it but when he focuses the kid is a freaking genius so that is really frustrating. He usually takes meds to help when he is at school but at home I like to let him take breaks from it so he can learn to cope with it on his own and eventually not have to rely on medication but we take it day by day. He has come so far and I do not let him blame his actions on his ADHD which he hates but I don’t see ADHD as an excuse to act poorly. It is definitely a lot harder for them but they are more than capable of learning coping mechanisms. One thing about this sweet boy is how caring he is. He gives the best hugs and is constantly complimenting me. I am so proud of him and all the progress he has made.

My one and only daughter is miss sassy pants. She honestly thinks she is in charge all of the time so that is fun…..  Lots of time outs and discussions on being kind to her brothers. She still asks me for a sister every single day and sometimes cries about it. (Sorry it isn’t going to happen…) Maybe one day I will buy her a female dog lol!!

The twins they are so freaking adorable and into everything but they literally soak up most of my time. They need me more for survival than the other kids right now. Sometimes I wish I could clone myself and give them all more individual attention but I also know that will come as the twins get older. I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything but man no one tells you how incredibly hard it is.

6.       Mom Guilt – Does anyone else feel incredibly selfish if they take time for themselves?  Before I had the twins I was in the best shape of my life. I had a diabetes scare and things have gotten a little out of hand again so I need to hop back on the healthy train. I LOVE to exercise but it is the food I have a hard time with. Stress eating is such a struggle for me and let me tell you being home alone all day with 5 kids with no breaks is very stressful. I always have great intentions to eat good when I wake up every morning lol. I know it is all mental so I have made a commitment to myself to get healthy again to keep diabetes far away from me.  I have an awesome partner who supports me and will watch all the kiddos so I can get in so I will try not to feel guilty for taking time for myself.

It feels good to write all my feelings out. Maybe I will be able to sleep at night now…. The insomnia from stress is so real, not to mention getting woke up multiple times by adorable babies. I know that God will answer my prayers and I have felt his constant presence in my life even through all of this. The waiting game is hard but I know we will end up where we need to be and that the other things will work themselves out with hard work. Mom Life is never dull but I will say it a million times I would not trade it for anything!!! I am constantly reminding myself that I have a healthy and beautiful family and lots to be thankful for!!